I feel led to post something that is very real and very scary for me. I'm typing as I a think, so that at the end I'll take a deep breath and click the post button and it will be out there in the real world. Then you will be reading these words! That's the scary part because you might actually be someone that I see in real life. Then you will know and you might....think less of me. You might not like me. You might not agree. You might say who is she to say such things. You might not tolerate my opinions. You might take what I say the wrong way, you might spread it around town.Oh my....panic!....I just shared my FEARS! And now that leaves me vulnerable. (How many people will you share this with? When I go out today will I get weird stares? Friendly nods? Oh dear...breathe...) See, I'd rather deal with everything by keeping to myself, in my tiny corner.
Apparently, there are things in life that you feel like doing. And then there are these things that you really don't feel like doing but you need to anyway. (Is it your conscious speaking? The Voice of God?) Rural Women Rock is something that I really feel like doing. Writing this confessional-- not on my 'feel like doing list.' But it won't leave my head, so here's the rest of what needs to be said.
I make mistakes. Some of them big. I have a lot of capability....which also translates to...I have a lot of capability to hurt someone. I have hurt people. Sometimes the hurt I can cause is just a little mistake or a double booking or most likely, a dry joke that doesn't translate in writing...misunderstood! Sometimes it's my life. I think I can cram so much in but I run out of time, or an emergency pops up and my whole schedule gets shuffled around. Sometimes its bigger than that. Sometimes the hurt I can cause is immense. Do I intentionally hurt anyone? No! However, I have been so caught up in my dilemmas, my concerns, my pain, my fears... the next thing you know I have done something selfish and stupid. I have hurt people in ways that they may never forgive. My fears and my pain seem to cause most all of my dilemmas.
I wanted to put these thoughts out there because I especially don't want you to think I am perfect. My life is far from perfect. It has been an adventure at best, a drama at worst. If I say something like, "I know what I'm talking about", I mean for myself. I know just about enough to know that I don't know much. Many times that has been called wisdom, but that's not what I see. What I see is that I have learned many lessons. Sometimes life is hard for a reason. No pressure, no diamonds.
Not only that, but if it weren't for my failures, I would not know how incredible mercy and grace feel! I know I have been forgiven by a loving Creator, who can take my worst and turn it into something useful, who can take the consequences of my actions and turn them to lessons I needed for a bigger purpose. Like a loving Father, there's a hand that has been there to guide me, help me dust off when I fall, and to pat my back and encourage me.
Because of that goodness that is in my life, I can open up and share these things with you despite my fears. I want you to know why I could not judge you. I will not be able to recommend what you should or should not do. I am not the friend with all the advice, but I will share my perspective. I will not be able to summarize whether and why you are wrong or right. I'd rather we be like sisters, who know each others weaknesses very well. I kind of want to "keep it real" around here.
Maybe this is all confusing and you are wondering what any of it has to do with being a rural woman. Perhaps it's that in a smaller world our dirty laundry seems to get a lot more attention than it otherwise would. I think it's too easy for us to disconnect from each other once we've been hurt. It's a scary world, and to let everyone have a front row seat to our potential trip ups! Yikes! To share something personal and deep, that could have a long-lasting affect.
Janie is my partner here on RWR and the webmaster of ruralwomenrock.com. The site is currently under construction, but we are eagerly anticipating showing it off soon! If you'd like to know more about Janie you can read about her here.